you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
