just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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