my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
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Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
19 Groupies Confess What It’s Really Like To Hook Up With Famous Rockstars
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.