Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
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We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
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Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR