Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
