I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Couch. On fire.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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