Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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