the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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