Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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