Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
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I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
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You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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