Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
