I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
