When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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