I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
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30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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