I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
