If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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