I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
