Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
