I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
