my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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