I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
