either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
