i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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