Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
