is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
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