Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
True college students do jello shots in the library
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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