She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
