Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She's the barista slut.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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