So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
