you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
