He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
