we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
