I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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