I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
