Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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