I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
