What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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