My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
