I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
