I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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