this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
