I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
