I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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