I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
