I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
