She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
