mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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