bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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