did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
