i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
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I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
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And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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