i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
did you just send me my own nude
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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