So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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