How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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