My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
