if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
