come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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