I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
