I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
