I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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