Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
