I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
