U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
well you can't waste a boner
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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